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Old 11-16-2007, 01:33 PM
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Post When & Why Marriages Fail in the First 7 years

Three Meltdown Milestones Every Couple Should Watch Out For

According to the New York Times, 43% percent of marriages in North America ended in divorce last year. Thatís more than four out of every 10! While thatís an improvement on the 50% percent divorce rate reported in the Ď90s, itís still one of the highest divorce rates in the world Ė second only to Sweden! So how do you know if your marriage is built to last, or if youíre heading for divorce court someday? Netscape.comís relationship expert Laura Snyder identified three Meltdown Milestones every couple should watch for.

The first one comes at two years. A recent Danish study found that one in twelve marriages dissolves after only two-years. Why? A few reasons. First, after two years, most couples have a 50% percent drop in loving gestures, like holding hands. Research also shows that couples who are the most "lovey-dovey" in the first two years were more likely to get divorced. Because they started so high, once they lose half of the affection, it feels like a huge loss, and they may start looking for it elsewhere. Another reason 2 years is a meltdown point Ė itís when the worries start: You may be afraid that any conflict is a sign that your marriage is shaky.


The next marriage milestone comes at four years. According to Dr. Dino Pranzarone Ė a psychologist at Roanoke College Ė divorce rates peak in the 4th year of marriage. Thatís all over the world! Scientists believe this is the point when the chemicals in our brain responsible for ďattractionĒ begin to wear off. Once that hormone rush goes away, we start to see our partners for who they really are. You may start to feel your spouse has changed, when in reality, itís your own neuro-chemistry that has. Those attraction hormones get replaced with bonding hormones if you stick with it.


Finally, the third marriage milestone comes at seven years. This is the point when couples begin to feel restless, and scrutinize their relationship more than ever. Your partner may simply begin wondering: what else is out there? You may find yourself communicating less and less. Experts say if youíre prepared for these marriage ebbs and flows, youíll be better equipped to handle the emotional strain. Itís normal to question things, and wonder if youíve made the right decision. Couples who do survive these Marriage Milestones often have what it takes to last forever!
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Old 11-16-2007, 02:22 PM
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I think all this applies only for those couples who never lived together in a common-law relationship before they got married. Otherwise, the mile 0 is not the wedding day.
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Old 11-16-2007, 10:31 PM
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Marriage is a Divine Institution.
If there is no Divine,
There are no parameters
Beyond the context of just two people
And little or no moral impetus
To hold us in check from
Purely mercenary, self-centered impulses.

If in marriage, the two shall become One
It is inevitable that even the best of temperaments
Will find difficult and sometimes painful adjustments.
A measure of sacrifice is required,
A degree of laying down of rights,
Of being other-centered rather than self-centered.
It is about WE, not ME.

Love is Commitment.
Whether feeling remains or fades,
With Commitment, feeling will revive,
Perennial as the Spring
Like flowers and fruited orchids
Beyond the Winter of our passing discontent.

God is Love.

~fg~
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Last edited by FirstGarden : 11-18-2007 at 03:50 AM.
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Old 11-16-2007, 11:55 PM
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mile 0 before marriage, eh? I'm game. So this means I can start the cruising by milestones now, right?
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Old 11-17-2007, 10:53 AM
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I have noticed these milestones in many marriages (the study was worldwide). I think it is good to know that they exist, so you can get through them!
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Old 11-17-2007, 11:16 AM
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I agree RVM, good to know it is not just yourselves as a couple having the struggles alone!
FG -love your poem!
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Old 11-17-2007, 03:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Danny_banany View Post
I agree RVM, good to know it is not just yourselves as a couple having the struggles alone!
FG -love your poem!
Thanks DB - Here's an old joke..

In marriage it is said that "The Two shall become One."

The question is: which one?

LOL!!!!!
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Old 11-17-2007, 09:32 PM
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LOL!!!!!!!
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Old 11-18-2007, 04:55 PM
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FG, you crack me up!

And RVM, thanks for posting this... I'm just around year number 2 with my husband, nice to know what to watch out for.
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Old 11-18-2007, 05:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Eva View Post
And RVM, thanks for posting this... I'm just around year number 2 with my husband, nice to know what to watch out for.
Your Welcome Eva! Ooooooooohhhhhh, newlyweds! How exciting! Good luck! LOL! (We all need a little luck with those first 5 years!)
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Old 11-24-2007, 06:51 PM
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Just a few thoughts (can't resist, RVM) from the school of hard knocks

doesn't the high failure rate indicate a fatal structural failure?
surely most are reasonably intelligent people who carefully consider before making that kind of major committment? and just as surely they all are very motivated to make it work. so those kinds of numbers are screeming "something is very out of whack, here"!!! no?

speaking from personal experience and much careful contemplation, the answer is clear to us. the fatal flaws are exclusivity and a failure to see the absolute necessity of both/all having the same single life goal and approach.
if those are in place, all the other factors (personal neurosis, money, sex etc) can be dealt with. Otherwise, even if they manage to stay together, there cannot be a healing and mutually growthful environment, but rather merely one of coping and superficial co-operation., amidst deeper conflict and condemnation.



all blessings

don
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Old 11-24-2007, 07:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Raw Vegan Mama View Post
Couples who do survive these Marriage Milestones often have what it takes to last forever!
i disagree with that. i know lots of people who get divorced after 10, 15 or 20 years of marriage. LOL

imo, it's all about communication. if you are honest in your communication with each other and you do communicate... then it'll all be fine!
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Old 11-24-2007, 07:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Don View Post
doesn't the high failure rate indicate a fatal structural failure?
Do you mean a "fatal structural failure" in the agreement/attitude in which couples go into marriage?

Or do you mean a "fatal structural failure" in the institution of marriage itself?
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Last edited by FirstGarden : 11-24-2007 at 07:08 PM.
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Old 11-24-2007, 08:13 PM
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Quote:
Do you mean a "fatal structural failure" in the agreement/attitude in which couples go into marriage?

Or do you mean a "fatal structural failure" in the institution of marriage itself?

Both, in the sense that the first is set up by the second, no? Different beliefs can differ on what is meant by 'marriage', correct?

It will be helpful, perhaps, to define what we are referring to.

How about: union - '2 or more with an intent of mutually advantageous and growthful cooperative endeavour founded upon a completely harmonious single life purpose and method'.

all blessings
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Last edited by Carmella : 12-31-2007 at 05:55 PM.
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  #15  
Old 11-24-2007, 09:26 PM
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Both, in the sense that the first is set up by the second, no?

It will be helpful, perhaps, to define what a (real) marriage actually is, as opposed to that defined by various formal religions?

How about: marriage - 'a union of 2 or more with an intent of mutually advantageous and growthful cooperative endeavour founded upon a completely harmonious single life purpose and method'.
Dear Don - To suggest that so many failures in marriage stem from a flaw in the institution itself, is like suggesting that 95% of business startups fail because of a flaw in the principles of business. The principles are time-tested and proven, although the methodology often must change to adapt to changing times.

Or, like the old comic wherein a man takes a hammer to the Moral Law, and it is he who crumbles, hammer in hand.. not the Law. It is not the great Moral Law that is at fault, but rather, the transgressor.

Don, perhaps you are aware that when you question or undermine marriage as a tradition -- and, incidentally, an integral part of the family unit - one of the very underpinnings of society, both ancient and modern -- you are taking a position contrary to the prophets and patriarchs (Christ, Moses and countless others of various religions), whose words powerfully attest to the institution of marriage as sacred, or divinely ordained.

To depart from this premise is your right. And I'm sure that everyone here, myself included, respects that right; that is, the right of your own opinion.

However, as Franklin said, "A word to the wise is sufficient" ...

Please be aware that you have "set the stage" in a certain way in the forum by disallowing religious discourse. And yet you are controverting one of the most precious and sacred areas in human existence; that is, marriage as a Divine institution. (at least in the perceptions of those who hold this view dear.) In other words, you are controverting traditional marriage in your discussion, yet disallowing discussion about the very premise on which marriage is based. Those who value the marriage tradition, based on spiritual/religious values, are muted from defending that tradition. This would be referred to as a non-level playing field.

Don, this is your forum, to do basically whatever you wish. No one questions that. But is it wise? Is this the direction you want to take it? Why encroach in delicate areas wherein others are not free to express themselves? Essentially because they must draw from a religious base to do so? Some issues in life cannot be addressed superficially, but require that we go deep, very deep.

So my appeal to you is this:

Please show sensitivity and respect to the views of others, as they are showing this to you. And we do.

With love and sincerity,

~fg~
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Last edited by FirstGarden : 11-24-2007 at 10:53 PM.
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