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Growth and Self-Knowledge "An unexamined life is a life not worth living." Socrates

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  #1  
Old 12-12-2007, 10:51 AM
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Flanny Flanny is offline
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Properly deflecting negative energy from others?

This is a weakness of mine I'm trying to overcome. In explaining it, venting has occured. I apologize and thank all of you for any good suggestions on how to deal with this and properly channel the effects within my life. Thanks.

I'm a member of another forum where there's a "fitness" fanatic with an attitude. Every time someone expresses a desire to improve themselves in some fashion, asking for help/recommendations, he posts right on the borderline of outright insults, effectively psycho-analyzing them (without any medical training whatsoever).

About 70% of the new members who post there and get slammed by him end up "disappearing" (no longer posting or logging in that I can see). This negative energy disturbs me. I've held back from posting responses to his slams, choosing instead to pm him only when he's slammed me directly and tried politely to share with him how this discourages new people from even visiting the forum and learning about raw foods. What has happened is he posts public responses to my private messages defending himself and garnering support from those who like his flippancy. Additionally I've tried sending pm's to the new members he's insulted, giving positive suggestions and offering other forums to help research their questions (without saying anything about the person in question) but have yet to get a response back from any of those who "disappear".

The admin/moderators of the forum do nothing about it. They only get involved when there's a post that might support non-veganism in any fashion or when the post might question the benefits of raw. Since this person is gung-ho raw vegan all the way and does not out right insult the person crudely he goes unchecked.

I have a hard time just letting this go. I'd leave the forum all together if it weren't for a select number of members that I truly enjoy "listening" to and interacting with.

Thanks for any suggestions/help in coming to terms with this and dealing with it properly when it directly affects me. I'm sorry for venting while explaining the current issue bringing this weakness to light.
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  #2  
Old 12-12-2007, 10:54 AM
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Perhaps that forum no longer has what drew you to it?
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  #3  
Old 12-12-2007, 11:08 AM
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Unfortunately the only thing that drew me to that forum was a desire to have support in my efforts to transition to 100% raw, and the fact that the forum in question was in the top results when I googled for support sites. This has been going on from the start of my membership there and quite likely long before. Fortunately the first time I had to deal with it I already had quite a bit of positive experience from the members I've mentioned previously. Additionally when he first started in on me several other members pm'd me effectively apologizing for his posts.

I can't say this is a new development at that forum. I can say that just letting things like this go is a weak area in my life.
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Old 12-12-2007, 01:06 PM
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The internet will always tempt some people to behave their worst because ti offers them illusion of secrecy.

The person you are speaking with is obviously a little troubled. It is sad that he has to take his frustrations out on people who need support, and also sad that he uses other people's times of need to siphon off a false feeling of "power" for himself.

That said, it is obviously HIS problem. If it does you no good t5o complain about him, then don't waste your good, caring energy. Anger is so self poisoning. I forget it sometimes b.c I am always eager to "fight" for the "under dog". Although it is sometimes important to back our values with undeniable action, sometimes it's a waste of time. One of the things I tell my clients very often is "you just can't reason with the unreasonable" LOL

You seem like a very inwardly powerful, determined person. Your strength would probably make you a very welcome voice for new people. A few words from a troll are soon muffled by the overwhelming kind gestures of a healthy person. You can transform powerful anger into powerful welcoming and reassurance when that is more useful to you and the person in question.

You knew all this of course, and that is why you were proactive in posting. You already have the answers b/c your intentions are so nice.

Have an awesome Wednesday and keep being a really kind person.
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  #5  
Old 12-12-2007, 02:55 PM
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Peaches4Ever Peaches4Ever is offline
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Great Answer, Hypnotista.

I would only like to add that we should keep in mind that people like that often thrive on the attention they get from that behavior--even though the attention may be negative. If we ignore them when they behave badly, they may look for another audience or another way to get the attention they crave. If we can encourage them when they display positive behavior, maybe the payoff of positive attention and encouragement will make it worth it to them to give more energy to the positive than to the negative.

But always remeber that, as Hypnotista said, it is their problem.
Peaches
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  #6  
Old 12-15-2007, 10:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Peaches4Ever View Post
Great Answer, Hypnotista.

. . . If we can encourage them when they display positive behavior, maybe the payoff of positive attention and encouragement will make it worth it to them to give more energy to the positive than to the negative.
That's a good philosphy. I want to try to incorporate that into my life. Thanks
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  #7  
Old 05-07-2008, 05:38 PM
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I just went thru something similar...

I had attended a forum where this very thing had been happening and I finally left the site. I did, however, announce before I left that because of situations like this I no longer wanted to have anything to do with the forum. I found out later that the whole thread had been modified, the unpleasantries stated by the problem person were erased as well as all other interactions within the thread. It was as if I never existed, as if the whole unpleasant interaction never occured. I felt very ganged up on during the thread and, for a the final kick in the teeth, I felt humiliated that the administraotrs of the forum went thru the thread and deleted anything unpleasant - a silent way of supporting that long-time member and giving her increased power. It honestly shocked me. Of course, I have never returned to it. I much prefer this forum.
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  #8  
Old 05-09-2008, 04:10 PM
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kellijean;


that' s soooooooo true! and that's why so many other people left! Hydro Rawbie ***requested to be banned by choice to make a point! I did asked to be removed also! Did you see??? Under my name are two -- THAT'S AN HONORABLE STATUS ! hehe!

When I first joined RFT it was such a pleasure to be a part of that forum and now??????????????? wow ! it's like a war zone in a hostile country!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ouch!

The posts that revealed that persons true colors got erasted!!!I GOT PROOF!!!!! and so sad that so much posting does not contribute to a RAW LIFESTYLE and the bashing does not help 'newbies'

My point, if you have nothing to CONTRIBUTE to make life better: do 'ignore' button and go on in life! Not go out of your way to nasties bashing ! ***I mean NASTY! I copied before they got erased !!! I got PROOF!of 'nasties' ! and stupid remarks that don't help! only anger!

hope you'r over this???? I'am!

Joz

Last edited by wyjoz : 05-09-2008 at 04:19 PM.
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  #9  
Old 05-09-2008, 05:54 PM
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Its like mama always said, "Life is like a box of..." - oh wait, not that one! I mean "If you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all." Its amazing because both the lady from that other forum and my 6 year old are both struggling with that concept...actually, I think my 6 year old is doing better than she is!
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  #10  
Old 05-09-2008, 09:13 PM
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Well well well . . . . . old friends meet again and discuss a portion of what tore them apart only to have the sniper come in and spread the love yet again. What bug is up her butt I wonder that she can't just turn over a new leaf and leave it (and us) alone? Seems very disturbed to me. She is just perfect doncha know? If nothing bothers her why is she butting in? Some people were sharing. Nobody was asking questions, guidance, advice - appropriate sharing would be along the lines of the OP in support of the conversation or offering another viewpoint to it. Bullies are known to invade and invalidate normally accepted boundaries and get away with it which is why they continue. This one is just testing the water here to see if she can get away with it. Getting ready to come back in full bore. Full of denial and cute little retorts for any confrontation regarding behavior choices.
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  #11  
Old 05-09-2008, 09:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luckitri View Post
Well well well . . . . . old friends meet again and discuss a portion of what tore them apart only to have the sniper come in and spread the love yet again.

What bug is up her butt I wonder that she can't just turn over a new leaf and leave it (and us) alone? Seems very disturbed to me.

She is just perfect doncha know?


If nothing bothers her why is she butting in?


Some people were sharing. Nobody was asking questions, guidance, advice - appropriate sharing would be along the lines of the OP in support of the conversation or offering another viewpoint to it.

Bullies are known to invade and invalidate normally accepted boundaries and get away with it which is why they continue.

This one is just testing the water here to see if she can get away with it. Getting ready to come back in full bore. Full of denial and cute little retorts for any confrontation regarding behavior choices.
You said it so well!!!!!!!!!!!! Bravo!!!!!!!!!!! one more Bravo !!!!

''''''AND THE BEAT GOES ON DUM DUMB DUMBER THE BEAT GOES ON AND ON AND .........""""""""

Joz

Last edited by wyjoz : 05-09-2008 at 09:30 PM.
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  #12  
Old 05-09-2008, 09:36 PM
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I love you guys! I have been in desperate need of a good chuckle and you guys brought a smile to my face. Thanks a bunch for brightening my evening! :
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  #13  
Old 05-09-2008, 09:44 PM
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Carmella Carmella is offline
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Hey girls,

We've learned from past experiences that there is nothing to be gained by discussing matters relating to another forum here. If you wish to discuss this issue further, please do so by PM.

Thanks,
Don & Carmella
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  #14  
Old 05-09-2008, 09:57 PM
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I'm sorry Carmella. This post started with talk about forum etiquette that is disturbing and the original post is about another forum - not this one. This thread has sat here for 5 months almost with nothing said about other forums until someone came in and stirred up trouble. I will make every effort to abide by your rule but I also will not tolerate the dissension created by a troublemaker and will do my best to support a united front against such individuals. I will not run from forum to forum attempting to escape unpleasant negative behaviors. I like internet but I don't NEED it just like I don't NEED to be fearful of certain individuals on it. As part of the power structure of this forum you will of course not experience what we do - bullies are that smart to curry favor in the right places - please do not invalidate our feelings nor how we experience the individuals' negative behaviors. Unfortunately, if we address it only in private mails newbies will see that there is no protection for them but that is your choice.
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  #15  
Old 05-09-2008, 10:17 PM
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Carmella Carmella is offline
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Luckitri,

I understand where you're coming from and it certainly isn't my intention to 'invalidate your feelings' as you said. However, we've found that in order for this forum to operate smoothly and to the benefit of all, we need to observe one rule: that of no personal attack. I find this thread is getting really slippery in that regard, hence my intervention. I trust there is a way we can share our experiences in a constructive matter without having to walk over that line.
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