I had a strangely healing experience the other day. As I was laying in bed yesterday morning, thinking it over, I recalled something Pontifex said in regards to Halloween. He said it was the time to 'take off our masks'. It gave me the idea that I should share what happened with you, friends, as I think you might benefit from this.
As you probably have figured out by now, I LOVE food. What some of you may not be aware of, however, is that food is also my main outlet when it comes to numbing out pain. I don't think it's always been that way, but it has certainly been the case for most of my adulthood. I go through phases where it's not so noticeable, when things are pretty stable, and there's times - like in the last 6 months or so - where my plate is so full (no pun intended! lol) that binging becomes an almost daily affair. What does it look like, you wonder? Well, it can range from eating more than I'm really hungry for to compulsively opening the fridge and grabbing something every few minutes.
To me, much more important than what I actually eat or how much, is the way I approach these bouts. One thing that has become very clear over the years is that resisting the urge to eat actually makes matters much worse. If I don't go ahead and get it over with, my mind starts playing games, obsessing about food. Like pent up frustration that eventually explodes into full-fledged anger, a simple craving can turn into an uncontrollable binging session. To say nothing of the feelings of guilt, unworthiness and self-condemnation that invariably come along. Thankfully, I've gradually come to the place where I've made peace with my food issue, recognizing how the first step is to face facts and come out of the closet (or should I say 'pantry'?
) While it does not stop the binging all together, it is no longer the huge ordeal it used to be. I don't see myself as a 'bad' or 'weak' person, acknowledging that it's simply a manifestation of my energy state. Then Life goes on...
And so a couple of days ago, I woke up feeling really crappy and hit my pain tolerance within the first hour of being up. I find that I'm usually ok until I start eating/drinking the first thing in the morning. But then, it's like nothing can satisfy me! No wonder; the food does nothing to alleviate the pain, so it's like a bottomless pit. Here's where it gets interesting... As I was letting it rip, Heathy happened to send me a chat. After exchanging a few words, it somehow came out that I was right in the middle of a binging spree. Being able to talk about it so openly with her felt so good and liberating.
All this to say that it gave me the idea of starting a thread where those of us who go through similar ordeals with food can share and break the usual stigma of secrecy surrounding binging and eating disorders. It's something I've been thinking about for a while so on that note, I'll break the ice...
By 1 PM that day, I managed to gulp down:
- A glass of fresh carrot-apple juice
- A glass of Super Choconana Shake
- Half a granola bar
- 2 pieces of toast (yep, I have even been eating some cooked lately!)
...And an Inca with almond milk and a copious amount of maple syrup
Ouch! Let me just say that my poor tummy loudly protested later on.
Phfew! I've done it! Yay!