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Old 11-01-2008, 07:15 PM
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Carmella Carmella is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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Coming out of the pantry...

I had a strangely healing experience the other day. As I was laying in bed yesterday morning, thinking it over, I recalled something Pontifex said in regards to Halloween. He said it was the time to 'take off our masks'. It gave me the idea that I should share what happened with you, friends, as I think you might benefit from this.

As you probably have figured out by now, I LOVE food. What some of you may not be aware of, however, is that food is also my main outlet when it comes to numbing out pain. I don't think it's always been that way, but it has certainly been the case for most of my adulthood. I go through phases where it's not so noticeable, when things are pretty stable, and there's times - like in the last 6 months or so - where my plate is so full (no pun intended! lol) that binging becomes an almost daily affair. What does it look like, you wonder? Well, it can range from eating more than I'm really hungry for to compulsively opening the fridge and grabbing something every few minutes.

To me, much more important than what I actually eat or how much, is the way I approach these bouts. One thing that has become very clear over the years is that resisting the urge to eat actually makes matters much worse. If I don't go ahead and get it over with, my mind starts playing games, obsessing about food. Like pent up frustration that eventually explodes into full-fledged anger, a simple craving can turn into an uncontrollable binging session. To say nothing of the feelings of guilt, unworthiness and self-condemnation that invariably come along. Thankfully, I've gradually come to the place where I've made peace with my food issue, recognizing how the first step is to face facts and come out of the closet (or should I say 'pantry'? ) While it does not stop the binging all together, it is no longer the huge ordeal it used to be. I don't see myself as a 'bad' or 'weak' person, acknowledging that it's simply a manifestation of my energy state. Then Life goes on...

And so a couple of days ago, I woke up feeling really crappy and hit my pain tolerance within the first hour of being up. I find that I'm usually ok until I start eating/drinking the first thing in the morning. But then, it's like nothing can satisfy me! No wonder; the food does nothing to alleviate the pain, so it's like a bottomless pit. Here's where it gets interesting... As I was letting it rip, Heathy happened to send me a chat. After exchanging a few words, it somehow came out that I was right in the middle of a binging spree. Being able to talk about it so openly with her felt so good and liberating.

All this to say that it gave me the idea of starting a thread where those of us who go through similar ordeals with food can share and break the usual stigma of secrecy surrounding binging and eating disorders. It's something I've been thinking about for a while so on that note, I'll break the ice...

By 1 PM that day, I managed to gulp down:

- A glass of fresh carrot-apple juice
- A glass of Super Choconana Shake
- Half a granola bar
- 2 pieces of toast (yep, I have even been eating some cooked lately!)
...And an Inca with almond milk and a copious amount of maple syrup

Ouch! Let me just say that my poor tummy loudly protested later on.

Phfew! I've done it! Yay!
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Last edited by Carmella : 11-01-2008 at 07:18 PM.
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Old 11-02-2008, 11:29 AM
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Eva Eva is offline
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Sigh, welp, I had a whole 250g bag of sunflower seeds just a bit ago mostly because I just didn't feel like working, but I know I have a helluva lot of work to do. And my belly is fuller than normal. Yet another excuse to not work for yet a bit longer!

Is there something hiding or painful for you right now?? I'm sending you :::::lots of hugs:::::
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Old 11-02-2008, 03:43 PM
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Pirawna Pirawna is offline
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I binge now usually on foods that are so far from the normal SAD diet, that it really saves me. I have noticed since doing raw, my cravings are so under control and I havent had any problems.

But last night, after a bad halloween, I ended up eating like 12 little bite size marshmallow candies. oy ve. And then half an avocado with several Mary's Gone Crackers flax crax (cooked). Then I was gonna get into the Coconut Bliss ice cream, but I saved my self by coming up with some Banana carob coconut bon bons. I ended up only two of them, but I found the whole process of experimenting on how to make them was quite meditating. After sticking them in the freezer, licking the bowl of the carob sauce/coating satisfied me completely, and I settled down and relaxed.
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Old 11-03-2008, 06:25 AM
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Velvet Velvet is offline
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Yesterday, I ate a whole Bavarian custard recipe... but I felt good about it because even though it was a lot of fat, I know winter is coming and I need to "pad up" a bit, and coconut is good for you. Also, foods from the SAD diet used to disgust me so much I'd always feel sick afterwards. I consider my current deep love for food (specially when it's raw) to be a blessing

It's interesting to think that I may be numbing my problems... It's been a stressful week, and winter is coming, which is a bit hard on me. I think I'll go easy on myself, those foods that I tend to binge on are usually healing at the same time. I'll report what happens in the long run, if I find it is hurting me more than it's healing me.
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Old 11-03-2008, 10:28 AM
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Carmella Carmella is offline
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Thanks for joining me in opening up about this delicate subject.

Eva,
I'm feeling much better now, thanks. I find that it goes in phases, depending on my overall energy state. It is a good reminder of how I need to take time to center myself and rest so as to face the daily challenges more effectively.

Velvet,
I totally resonate with your approach to go easy on yourself. I mean how getting on our own case is supposed to help the situation, right? I've also noticed how I naturally gravitate towards more fatty foods comes the colder weather. I totally believe in the inherent wisdom of our bodies.
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Old 11-03-2008, 03:55 PM
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Velvet Velvet is offline
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I was thinking about what you said, that forbidding yourself foods throws you into binges. Right now, I'm allowing myself everything, and I find I have very few cravings, unless something is actually available in the house. If today I were to forbid myself certain items, I know I'd start obsessing over them... It might be something I'd like to investigate more, to see what is hiding behind this behavior... something simple (forbidden fruit?) or something else.
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